I'm sorry.

If I had to be honest with myself, I would admit how much I miss the way things used to be. Some nights, I feel so nostalgic I could cry. If I had to be REALLY honest with myself, I would even admit that I miss the way I used to be. I wish I could feel seventeen and in love again. I wish I still had that excitement in me, but now it seems as though I have already felt and hurt a lot. Is twenty years old too young to feel as jaded as I do? Probably.

I have about seven weeks left here in Ghana. I don't know how I feel about leaving. I was talking about it with Hannah, and we both agreed that life is better here. We don't overwhelm ourselves with meaningless shit here in Ghana. Everyday, it's about living. I'm trying to remember what America was like the last time I saw it. There were probably a few headlines on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and that is about all I can remember. Who really gives a fuck? People here in Ghana don't have a lot (in comparison with us spoiled Americans), but I'll tell you what: from what I can tell, they sure have a lot more heart. I've never met more friendly people in my life. Being in Ghana makes me reevaluate my life and the things I thought were important. Suddenly, they're not so anymore.

This past weekend, we went to Kibi for a Habitat for Humanity project. We didn't actually get to build anything; instead, we made bricks and transported them. The highlight was definitely when I tried carrying a brick on my head (they were big) and it fell off my head and onto my shoulders. I wasn't badly hurt or anything, just a layer of my skin scraped off. Anyways, it was a great weekend- really. On Sunday, many people went to Church but I stayed behind with Henry and Ellen. I decided after my homestay weekend that church really isn't for me. So there I was, lying on a mattress on the grass next to Gerald. Some kids were playing around on a tree and singing. Henry was petting someone's dog. Odei and Robert were having a conversation in twi. AND IT FELT LIKE THE MOST NATURAL THING IN THE WORLD. I felt completely content, like there was no other place in the world I would rather be.

I've been doing a great deal of escaping. In truth, my going to Ghana was an escape in itself. I was too tired of the city. Too tired of the same routine day in and day out. And in seven weeks, I will have to return. Go back to the hospital and work 7.5 or 11.5 hour shifts if I still have my job. Spend $15+ every time I eat out with friends for an unsatisfying meal. Buy clothes as if I don't have enough. Obsess over Grey's Anatomy. All of these things are little blessings because they are luxuries. I will go back to enjoying them, but hopefully I will not forget how lucky I am to have the things I have, the people who love me, and the things I am capable of doing.

When I see Annmary, I will probably cry. I miss you.